Esther, On the Road Again

Tonight we lost the matriarch of the Swertfeger family. There will be no memorial service, no viewing, no formalities. That is the way she wanted things to be. Once in conversation Esther mentioned that she wanted Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" played after she was gone.

That is how she lived her life, always planning for the next journey she would take. Even though her vision was deteriorated a 30-day bus passes was as good as gold in her hand. On one trip she returned to Portland and arrived at the bus depot at 5am. She decided it was too early to wake someone up so she hopped a bus to Seattle for something to kill the time.

In her last days, after suffering from hunger and thirst, she determined it would be best to sleep away the days. She was at peace in bed tonight when she went.

We will miss the mother and grandmother she was and look back on her life and perhaps grin a little when next we hear Willie Nelson proclaim, "and I just can't wait to get on the road again."

"On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again.
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again."

"On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been.
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again."

"On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends.
Insisting that the world keep turning our way."

- Willie Neslon

Pelvis is Healing, But Now For the Cancer

Originally posted Aug. 23, 2009

Esther's fracture is healing and after more than a month since her fall, she is walking slowly with a cane. Now she has seen more doctors and had more tests than she was willing to have in her whole life. We have seen 4 doctors, had 2 different scopes, one Ultrasound, one CAT scan and one X-Ray. There is another Ultrasound next Friday. She seriously has only been in the hospital twice--once to deliver her first son. She accidentally had her second son at home. The second was when she fell three years ago while walking and factured her arm and passed out on the bus stop. They took her to the closest hospital and she went home a few hours later. She has gone annually to health fairs for free blood work and blood pressure screenings. Then in the past few years she has seen one PA annually for monitoring of blood pressure and cholesterol--but never took her BP medication. She didn't belive in paying to go to the doctor or taking pills. When we went to the first doctor to find out what happend to her hip when she fell last month, afterwards she said, "That's all the poking I'm going to let them do. No more." Well, when you refuse to have your colonoscopy at 50 as reccomended, or to have your eyes screened for glaucoma or any other preventative test or screening, you put yourself at risk for advanced stage cancers and other diseases. Please take a lesson from this and go for your screenings. Getting inconvenienced by lowering your shorts and exposing your private places, or by being a little uncomfortable is nothing compared to the pain and problems that can occur later. If you just don't want to know, it won't change the fact that what is going to happen in your body will happen. Don't we really want to know early so we can take care of it? The things that can't be found early, well at least you are in tune with your body and tried.

She first told her surgeon that she thinks that she would rather do nothing, then she flipped to the opposite and said she wanted it done now. When she told him she'd rather do nothing he told her what would happen to her. He also said that people decide to do nothing and just end it, but then when it gets bad they change their mind and want to do something and then it really is too late. I could see that easily being the case here if we let it happen, which we won't. Now Esther is keen to have the tumor out. First she will have an Ultrasound of the Rectum, then a Colonoscopy to make sure there is nothing else in there. If it's all clean, then they will see if she's a good candidate for radiation to shrink the tumor and then they will operate. She thinks they should just operate today.

She has been very appreciative of help from us and it makes her calmer to have a clear head around to help her sort things out.

She has always been such a force to be reckoned with, and downright offensive, and guess what? She still is, but along with it now is this vulnerability, neediness and weakness which has made her contemplative and softer. The other day she was lying on her sofa and asked me if I believed in guardian angels. Of course, I do. I know they are there. She said she does, too, because she was walking in Clackamas once trying to cross the highway and saw a car coming for her, then she was suddenly on the other side right where she needed to be, in an instant, and had no idea how she got there. She said she has had one other experience like that (she didn't elaborate). She said she believes in angels. I've also heard her say, just last week, that she was "agnostic". Now, she's rethinking everything. Funny how that works isn't it? Some people deny what truth they already know, deep inside, until they are ready to let go and face leaving this life. This week she has been saying alot of, "This is the last time I will . . .", but she was referring to things she didn't like--such as going downtown to see the doctor. After she'd said it about the 4th time in one afternoon I said to her, "You'd better stop saying that, you might make it come true. . .this could be your last time." Well, she laughed at that, thankfully, and it made her stop staying it.

Now for the classic denial of what you have been doing. Long story short: when you have bowel troubles and bleeding that you can see, laxatives are not the answer. When I discovered them, we started making sure she ate properly, took them out of the house (they were stashed everywhere, even in an Altoid tin on the back of the stove), and things got better right away. Well, she called a few days in a row asking were they were, "Just in case I need them", which she didn't. We went to the Colo-Rectal Surgeon this week and when he asked her how long she had had a problem she didn't answer (as always) and I mentioned the laxatives. She said, "I haven't taken a laxative in a year." He smiled, and started writing. Then he went on asking other questions and she had difficulty giving a straight answer and in the middle of it all she turned to me and in a stage whisper said, "I haven't taken a laxative in over a year." More smiling by the doctor. THE QUEEN OF DENIAL. It doesn't change the consequences or outcome.

Get your screenings, take care of yourself--I'm going to follow this advice, too.

The Nomad

We went on our usual trip to Missouri one year. While we were there, Lee asked us if we'd like to take the travel trailer they had kept parked under a tree for years. He decided he wanted it out of there, to get rid of it. Well the previous winter a tree limb had come down on the roof of the thing, poking holes in the roof. After that it was a whole winter and spring of snow and rain leaking inside of it. Jerry, being his usual helpful self, agreed to take it.

First we had to empty it of all of the treasures they were storing inside of it. It was stuffed to the top with all kinds of things, from old large crocks that were valuable to little pencils and things that should have been thrown away years before. We all carefully took all the stuff out and put it in a place where Esther told us to put it. Lee kept saying, "If you see anything you want, take it." If we did see anything that we wanted and set it aside, within minutes Esther would pick it up and stick it back in her pile and say, "I believe you don't want that." It took a long time to empty it and we hitched it to the van and drove all the way back home with it.

Once we got it home, the real work began. In every cupboard and drawer (and there were many) they had stashed every paper or styrofoam cup or bowl or plate they had ever used. Most were from fast food places. There were also straws and napkins. The only things that hadn't been used and washed were the napkins, they were just the extras they took in case they needed them.

Once we got those out I spent a lot of time and elbow grease scrubbing every inch of it making it clean and nice. I recovered the seats for the table. Jerry repaired the roof and made sure it didn't leak any more. We cleaned the outside. It looked pretty nice by then, for what it was. The only job left to do was repair the rotting floor supports. When you stepped on the floor it was spongy.

Jerry was in no hurry to do that one, since it was costly and time-consuming. Well, Lee and Esther came for a visit later and Lee decided to go inside the trailer to see how it was. He stepped inside and walked a ways and came back out and said, "Jerry, you let that floor go all to hell!"

That's not lemon juice

One time Dale and family were visiting us and some of us decided that we would go out to the Columbia river gorge and go hiking. We went out to Eagle Creek trail and Grandma Esther decided to come along. We all grabbed little day packs to bring along with us and Grandma grabbed a plastic lemon juice bottle with a string tied around the top as a "strap".

The trail starts out pretty flat but goes up very quickly as you hike past a tall waterfall. There's one place where the trail is at the top of a 100 foot cliff and there is a cable to hold on to for safety. Grandma had been getting a little thirsty and sipping from her "lemon juice" as we were hiking. When we got to the cliff she didn't feel it was necessary to hold on to the cable. I was hiking behind her and grabbed her shirt and pulled her back at least once to keep her from falling off the cliff.

When you get to the top of the waterfall the creek makes a nice pool and there is a smaller waterfall that some of us were jumping off. Grandma was feeling a little warm so she decided to wade a bit in the creek which is only about a foot deep but has a lot of slippery stones in it. When she got out to the middle of the creek she slipped and ended up sitting in the creek, she wasn't too happy about that.

It was about this same time when we discovered that she had brought along some homemade wine in her lemon juice bottle.

Which one of you is Miss Piggy?

For Christmas one year my dad sent Lee and Esther a copy of John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album. When he called to wish them a Merry Christmas they talked about how much they enjoyed the tape and how good it was. They just had one question, which one of us had done the voice of Miss Piggy. Apparently they thought that WE had recorded it especially for them.

Maxi pads

The very first Christams after Mindy and I were married we went to Oregon. On Christmas eve we had a nice gathering of relatives and friends. This was Mindy's first real experience with the family and we were having a nice time. For dinner we had a choice of clam chowder or chili and there were plenty of snacks all around.

Esther decided she was ready for a refill and said she wanted a little bit of chili and a little bit of chowder in the same bowl. With a little smile I put a scoop of each into her bowl, just then she added while shaking her bowl at me, "throw a piece of sausage in there."

After dinner Joy and Heidi were reminiscing that they had tricked me as a 12-year-old into staying home by telling me they were going to the store for maxi pads. At that moment Esther chimes in with... "Do they still make maxi pads?" My dad says, "Mom, not now." Joy then replied, "wait a second, I want to see where this is going... Yes, they do still make maxi pads." Ester: "Good. Melvina used to have to wear these bulky things, and when I get that old I don't want any bulky things I'd rather just use a maxi pad."

In an effort to kill the subject my dad says, "Oh mom, I just bought you a bunch of depends for Christmas."

Needless to say all in attendence, including my new wife, were well amused.